Monthly Archives: October 2016

AA Monologue #4

You see, the problem, the problem is when you care too much. You don’t just sympathize, you start to empathize, to actually feel what they feel and that’s when everything goes to hell. This is what I’m realizin’ all this here learnin’ is gettin’ me. I’m beginning to understand, really understand, that people aren’t just these beings existing outside of me, incidental to my life. They’re not distractions, or there for my pleasure or benefit or use. They’re not reflections of my own ideas and feelings and hatreds. They’re not my enemy or my friend or jackasses that deserve my anger and my cruelty. No, they’re like me. With all of my emotions and viciousness and desires and weaknesses. They’re a chaos of feelings. Feelings about everything, about their jobs and their friends and their families and their future. About their kid who’s flunkin’ outta school or gettin’ bullied or on drugs. About their dying mom and boring job and those wrinkles that forcefully remind them of their own mortality. They’re complicated and ignorant and wise and like helpless babes in the woods. This world makes no sense and they’re trying their best to figure out how to survive for as long as possible in it even though it’s cruel and unjust and petty and absolutely heart-breaking. The more I read, the more I see. I see other people as people. They become multidimensional and intriguing. I wanna know what makes them tick, what motivates them to keep going, to keep moving despite all the suffering that comes with being human. What is it that pushes them forward while here I am struggling daily for a better reason than that I should. Why should I? Why do they? If nothing else, my curiosity keeps me goin’. It’s a crazy thing that the more I see the more curious I get; the more I realize I don’t know anything at all about this here world that I lived in my whole life. That’s some crazy shit and there’s a universe out there I ain’t got a clue about other than it’s so big and yet I think of myself as the center of everything. Well maybe I am. I’m a part of all of that and it’s a part of me. So why not? I’m trying to tell myself we’re all like ants and if some of ’em suffer and if some of ’em die so what? To live is to suffer and they choose life, so let ’em suffer for it. And if they die, so what? They’re lucky to get out of this shitshow early. Good for them. Me and you? Well, it’s our misfortune to stay here and suffer through all the bullshit until there’s nothing left. You probably wonder why I come here and rant and leave for weeks at a time and start it all over again. It’s what this place is for isn’t it? When the suffering gets to be a little too much it’s nice to know I can come here and I can share with you all and you’ll understand, because you suffer too.

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Lines Written in Early Spring – William Wordsworth

I heard a thousand blended notes,
While in a grove I sate reclined,
In that sweet mood when pleasant thoughts
Bring sad thoughts to the mind.

To her fair works did Nature link
The human soul that through me ran;
And much it grieved my heart to think
What man has made of man.

Through primrose tufts, in that green bower,
The periwinkle trailed its wreaths;
And ’tis my faith that every flower
Enjoys the air it breathes.

The birds around me hopped and played,
Their thoughts I cannot measure:—
But the least motion which they made
It seemed a thrill of pleasure.

The budding twigs spread out their fan,
To catch the breezy air;
And I must think, do all I can,
That there was pleasure there.

If this belief from heaven be sent,
If such be Nature’s holy plan,
Have I not reason to lament
What man has made of man?

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